Slightly off topic here. Not about parenting or music. More just a rant, but it does have a tenuous link to the school run…
My daily school run involves a winding, 1 mile downhill drive along a mostly single lane country road with numerous passing places. Easy.
However, I never fail to arrive at school as mad as a wasp, having had to contend with the onslaught of ignorant, ill-mannered, don’t know how to drive IDIOTS!!!!!!! My tension is worsened by my inability to express my gratitude in expletives due to there being 3 children under 6 in the car with me.
Now clearly, like everyone else on the roads, I rate my driving skills as second to none. So it got me wondering what rules these people adhere to:
Passing Places: These are for the OTHER driver to wait for you to get past first. Even if you are level with one as you see the oncoming car approach, make sure you accelerate past it. If the other car stupidly thinks you will stop in the passing place, given you’re right next to it (idiot), then don’t worry, just drive at them, preferably with a stern face (if female and over 60, pursed lips are recommended in this situation for maximum impact) and wait for them to reverse a considerable distance to the next passing place then drive past and wait for them to thank you for your patience.
Blind Bends: When approaching a blind bend, by definition it is difficult to see around it so best to position oneself in the centre of the road, ideally even on the right hand side to give yourself early visibility of oncoming traffic. For best results make sure you don’t ease off the gas, in fact speeding up is preferable so you can ensure you get around the bend first before another car gets there. If you do see another car, make sure you look completely shocked in horror that they dared to try and drive on the same road as you at the same time in the opposite direction. Are they trying to kill you?!
Always drive at min. 30mph: That’s the limit, no need to go any slower. In fact, doesn’t national speed limit apply on country lanes? Oh yes, best drive as fast as you can! If you drive slowly people will think you can’t drive properly.
Reversing: If, at any point, it appears that you need to reverse any distance greater than the length of your car, just refuse. Reversing along single lanes wasn’t in the driving test, you don’t need to know it. If it causes a traffic jam, stand your ground. Let the others sort out the mess they have created. As above, if female and over 60, you are only required to reverse in the Sainsbury’s car park or off your driveway and never on a public road. Ever.
Snow and Ice: As previously stated, the 30mph/national speed limit applies. No need to slow down AT ALL. Your tyres will cut through the snow and ice better at speed. Preferably, you will be driving a vehicle with bald tyres for this exercise as it will skim over the ice like Christopher Dean. If you can smoke a cigarette whilst leaning your arm on the driver’s door, you will increase your reaction times 10 fold.
Happy driving, idiots.
WHO TAUGHT THESE PEOPLE TO DRIVE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!
I would like to apologise to any women over 60 who do actually know how to reverse. Good on you, ladies.
(you have no idea how much better I feel. Rant over)