Oh God I so wanted to be a pop star. I REALLY did. I used to dream about being back stage at Wembley waiting to go on.
Clearly it didn’t happen but I sometimes reflect (usually after wine) on what could have been.
I was before X Factor. I was before Dido. I was the female solo artist when all labels wanted manufactured bands like Backstreet Boys and Steps. ‘Cool voice, quirky songs but female artists are hard to get off the ground,’ was what I was told. ‘That song’s a hit, but it won’t be you singing it,’ said some rather influential music industry bod. Little did I know he was pals with Simon Cowell. Like I said, it was pre- X Factor. I was told at 25 I was too old, which actually is probably true. X Factor aside, most of the well known artists out there started VERY young and have worked for years being a nobody, building up a fan base before hitting the big time. It has to be said, I was a tad impatient. I thought because I’d been spotted by a London studio and given hours of free studio time to record my songs, told I was great, it was only a matter of time before I could be signed. I was told not to give up the day job (was that a hint?), which luckily I didn’t.
Now you can’t leave the house without tripping over a successful female solo artist. Seriously. They are everywhere so I can’t help but feel a slight twinge of what if? Deep down I think if I was good enough ‘IF’ would have happened so can only conclude in my darker moments that I’m actually a bit rubbish. The problem is that no one, an X Factor judge in front of 20 million people aside, would dare to tell you you’re no good. I’m not sure even my best friend would take me aside and say, ‘Actually, Sarah. You are a bit shit at singing.’
I hope I don’t sound bitter. I think I am just reflecting.
Do I wish I could have had it all? YES
Would I trade my 3 kids for fame? NO. Never. Not at all.
Even at 25 I knew that I still wanted the marriage and babies more than I wanted international pop stardom.
But what I wish I’d known was that there was a half way house. A lifestyle where you could be a full time musician and pretty successful, without all the stinking rich stupidity of fame. I had NEVER realised that until this summer when I performed my lullabies at a few festivals. I saw loads of bands who were all fantastic but none of whom I’d heard of, half of whom hadn’t even released a single, let alone an album. It had never occurred to me I could be a musician without being a pop star. I truly thought it was all or nothing.
I still think I’m a good songwriter and I think the dream now would be to for someone else to sing my songs and for me to retire on the royalties, but that is pretty difficult too as everyone wants a piece of the song writing pie.
But I keep reminding myself that when I was in my early twenties, recording my songs (mostly written about whichever bloke had just dumped me/been dumped) I said, ‘If nothing happens beyond this. If I never make it, at least I can say to my kids/grandchildren, I recorded some songs in a London studio. Here they are. Here are some rather cheesy pics of me on my 25th birthday, taken by a bloke who shot Oasis the day before in the very studio he shot me in. Here are some now quite dated, cheesy tracks, some of which were produced by the bloke who produced Flashdance in the 80’s.’
Not bad really is it?
In the meantime, I’m now singing with a Clitheroe Jazz band – The Slipper Band and trying to persuade my old pal to form a band and secretly hoping I’ll see a job ad for a singer in an Abba tribute band with my name on it VERY SOON.
If you want to listen to some of my cheesy tracks, check out www.soundcloud.com/sarah-ffelan